Post Partum Depression

This is a topic that many people do not talk about. I did not know much about it until I was diagnosed just a few months ago. I was crying for no reason, and really just felt down all the time. I love my girls, and did not have thoughts of hurting them, which is why I did not believe that I had PPD.

I found out that you do not have to have these thoughts to have PPD. The simplest way that can describe PPD is a lack of control of your emotions up to the point of emotional breakdowns and uncontrollable crying. This is what was happening to me. I would have periods where I would cry for no reason, and times where I would be angry. Most episodes occur from excess anxiety, which is why anti-anxiety medication is the first type of treatment given.

The problem that I am starting to notice is that I am still having the emotional swings. I still have occasions where my anxiety and stress build up beyond what the medication can seem to handle, and I will loose control. The feeling of loosing control is extremely scary to me. It is why I sought help. I am not ashamed to have PPD. I understand that 1 of every 2 women that have children have PPD.

Having a child is a blessing. I love my children more than I can begin to express. Having PPD in control is very important to keep it from turning into more serious complications, and keep us from potentially causing unintential harm to our children. People are so afraid to talk about this problem, however, talking about the condition and accepting it is one of the first stages to overcoming it.

While I am on medication to help this, it is still hard to control my emotions at times. The recognition of these times is vital as well. In these times, people with any kind of depression generally turn inward. Being able to communicate with others about how the individual is feeling is also important in regaining control of emotions.

I can speak personally that during my low times, I tend to become withdrawn, lose focus on what I am trying to do, and can even start to feel like I just want to give up or give in to the depression.

It is hard for me to express the feeling of being low. It is like a lack of being able to achieve happiness. Seeing the bad is normal, but dwelling on it continuously and even trying to see the good but only seeing the bad even in the good is not normal. It is a lack of seeing any good or being able to be happy even when something would normally make you that way.

Luckily for me, I have more highs than lows, but the lows really drag on me. The littlest things become larger than they really are, and the big things seem impossible. It feels like you are just bogged down, and because I will make more out of it than it really is, it breaks down my emotional barriers causing me to eventually lose control and start to cry for no reason. This is one of the major symptoms of PPD.

This is why I have tried to make positive postings. They are a way of me to look back and focus on the good that has happened by reading it over and over when I feel low. They are a way of lightening the stress that weighs me down, and makes me see that there is good. My girls are overall healthy, happy babies. Most moms couldn't ask for more than I get from them. When I hear of possible problems, like with Sierra's neck, I panick. I think what now, how can my daughter have another hurdle to jump, and forget that she is a fighter, that they are both fighters, and that it could be a whole lot worse.

So, I will continue to try to keep this upbeat, but do know that it is to help me as well. Until then, here are some new photos of my girls.

Sick Angels

My girls have been sick lately, and I have to say it is not fun. First, Alyssa was coughing so horribly that, after a week of it not changing, I took her to the doctor fearing the worst. It wound up being a viral infection in her bronchial tubes that took her almost 3 weeks to get over. She is finally doing ok, but after we took her to the doctor, I wound up having to go. I have the same thing and am just now getting over it. It is not fun, and add on top of that I have bronchial asthma, so I always fear when I get sick in my bronchial tubes because it SO dangerous for me.

I guess I am just a mom, because everytime that I see my daughter's cough I fear that they are going to develop it, or that they have it and I just don't know. It seems silly to some, but I have to go about 2 to 3 times a year to the emergency room just for treatment because I can not breathe and I do not want my daughters to have to go through it too.

Well, needless to say, I am getting better, but now Sierra has it. It scares me the most with her because when she was born she had problems with her lungs. Poor kid has had the most problems out of our two. Her lungs would not fully inflate when she was born, she had club feet, she has problems holding down food to the point that she looses interest in eating afterwards. And now, she gets what her sister had, making me stir crazy because I can tell she is miserable.

Unfortuately with this going on, they both just want me. Now that Alyssa is over it, she is fine with her daddy, but Sierra fusses non-stop due to her coughing and not feeling well. Gary, of course, never did have much patience, so I have to be up all night calming her and that leaves me with little sleep. I am so tired.

SoonerStart is going to come by the house to look in on the girls on Monday. They try to come once a month to check up and see how they are doing. Alyssa is doing so well she may not need it much longer, but I fear that Sierra is going to need it for quite some time yet. On Monday, they are going to bring a physical therapist to start working with Sierra. She is not locking her legs when she is not in her shoes, so she is developing much slower than her sister and it is causing the nurse to be worried a bit. She also is sitting funny. She cocks her head to one side as she sits, lays, and is held in what would be a standing position. They are worried about it.

Hang in there girls, I love you both so much that cry when I talk about it.

Love always,
Mommy

It wont be like this for long...

I have added a new song to my play list on this blog, and I can not believe how true it is.

The words of the song include feelings about how things are in the beginning, where you have lack of sleep and constant worrying that keep you up all night, to a toddler holding on afraid of the unknown, to a teenager who hates their parents, to a father finally walking their girl down the aisle. The overall impact is that time is short.

While living in the moment, we often take for granted the moment. With a crying child, or in my case children, we are trying to rush past that stage and look forward to the day when we can look back and laugh over it. We look forward to the first word, first smile, first steps, and tend to miss all the little accomplishments in between.

I picked this song as a reminder to myself, my husband, and my family about how precious time is. You start by trying to hurry up the hard times, but miss the precious minutes that you are given in that persons life. Being the parent of an infant is hard. Often times we do not know what our child (children :)) need, want, or the important decisions that we have to make for them. We can not get their input and just have to try the best that we can to meet the demands and hope that we do the right thing. We tend to focus so much on the problems that we forget to enjoy the time we do have. How precious it is to just hold your child to your heart and know that no matter what that child loves you. It is truly a gift from GOD.

I look back on the struggle we have had for the past 6 months, then I look at people who do not know the joy that came with it. Who may never experience it, and you know what. It was not that bad. Sure, caring for twins is difficult, I will never state different, but I get to experience their joys and sorrows, their exploration of the world, and in a way get to revisit my own childhood and make the changes that my parents were unable to. I get to be the one that they confide in, and trust in, and right now, for just this brief instant, their world. How much more could anyone ask for?

I believe that at all times people are just looking for that one chance to be everything for someone, but when it occurs it is overwhelming. The only true time you can be someones everything is during their infant stage. Before you know it, they need you less and less as they become more independent.

At 6 months of age, my daughters are progressing. They are starting to need me less. Currently, Alyssa can hold her bottle, and fully support her weight standing (she just needs us for balance), and roll onto her stomach (she just can't roll back). Sierra can untie her shoes, comfort her sister, and roll over (but again can't roll back).

So, for all of you struggling parents, myself included, here is a little reminder. It won't be like this for long...